Monday, December 04, 2006

Post-Election Notes, Part 3

If you want to lose 30 pounds, run for statewide office like you mean it. This is not for everyone, and I certainly don't recommend it strictly as a weight-loss program. But hey- it works! If you have an interest in smaller government, wider freedoms, and a smaller waistline, the CFA-1 form awaits you!

On January 1, 2006, I tipped the scales at 198 pounds. I was concerned that all the chicken and bean dinners, the nights of beers with supporters, and too much eating on the fly would push me over the 200-pound mark.


If you really work every room you're in like you should, you won't get to eat. I don't know how many times I worked the room and then found the spread packed away, with maybe a bun or a dinner roll left out. I rarely ate at functions that were dinners for me. I made it a point to start eating at these functions when none of my suits fit anymore, in October when I got down to 166.
I marvel at how some candidates gain weight on the trail. These are people who are not working the room.

For me though, throw in a year of ill health on top of not eating too much, and you've got a 30-pound weight loss guarantee. I hid the fact of my generally poor health as best I could during 2006.

I have Lyme Disease. It comes and goes, but generally, when it strikes me, it's because I have been dehydrated, sleep deprived, or a little of both. Running a statewide campaign like you mean it assures being sleep deprived. Drinking as much Diet Coke as I did assures dehydration. So, I had a fever of about 101 for the entire month of February, and for half of April and half of May. There were several events where it was a function of willpower just to get up and do my speaches. I lost 10 pounds during each month-long bout. I had a couple of minor flare-ups, but with naps and a lot of water, I kept it at bay.

Then there was the kidney stone. I was lucky in the sense that I decided to tough it out after a trip to Lake County and drive home late at night rather than crash at a supporter's home or at a motel. Lucky because after getting into bed at about 1am, I started feeling a mounting pressure in my abdomen that became a curious pain. My greatest fear in the world is being opened up surgically, so I began worrying about a burst appendix. Knowing that can kill you, I figured I'd better get it out in the open. I described my pain to Ame (an RN, in addition to CNM) and she gave me the "good news" that I wouldn't have to worry about being opened up, just having to pass the stone.

The emergency room story is hilarious like a Monty Python skit. After a night of writhing on the floor, we went to the ER. The staff had a million questions about my pain tolerance, because apparently junkies try to use the ER as means to score narcotics. The doctor asked about any broken bones in my past. I have a lot of those. I listed fingers, toes, and thumbs. He shook his head. I remembered broken ribs. A little more impressed. Ah! I broke my sternum. Twice. Now he was impressed. "Was it hard to breath?" Almost impossible. "Great!" Really? That's great? "How did you rate that pain on a scale of 1-10 at the time?" An easy 10. "Compare that with this." The broken breast bone was a 4, and this was a 10. "OK! You get morphine!" But I had to fill out all sorts of forms. I felt like the patient who was stabbed by the nurse in the Python skit, who upon filling out the form halfway was lectured by the Doc, "Surely you knew when the Magna Carta was signed. Even I knew that"!

I was concerned about having to take morphine. I mean, it was a great pain eraser. It really took the pain away, and I felt no high or even nausea. But, as Libertarian candidates always take scrutiny over anti-criminalization issues, I lost my ability to produce a clean sample. I always had it in my pocket that if anyone challenged me on the issue of drugs, this drug-free candidate would challenge them to a pee test. This episode was good for another 10 pounds.

Now that we are about a month out of the campaign, I've gone back from an Election Night low of 166 back to 183. I've been eating absolutely everything and loving it, but it's time to put on the brakes. 180 is perfect for me until I hit the weights once I get clearance on my hand.

Kole's soon-to-be-patented weight loss plan is all yours. Step right up and sign the CFA-1 and you too can fit into clothes you haven't worn for five years or more!

No comments: